7 till 11 march

 Realize?!

Frequently people ask me if I still can be happy. "Have you ever been depressed? Can you still enjoy life? What do you do all day in the dark?" These are just some questions that I  have to answer. With this blog I hope to give you a small few into my life, which at that time was horrible.

   

First, I give you a little overview of my medications. Most names I remember, but unfortunately I also forgot some.

Drops:
- Chlorhexidine (8 times each day), a costly medicine (€ 107, - per bottle). It is actually meant for anything that not belong in your eye. This drug is widely used by peers. Because of its rarity, this drug is not known by the insurer. (In the Netherlands)
- Atropine (3 times each day), a narcotic. It also makes your pupil larger, allowing for more relaxed touch.
- Brolene (4 times each day), an English product. It sometimes used for bacterial infections of the eye.

Pills:
- Paracetamol 1000 grams (4 per day); Painkiller.
- Meloxicam (2 times each day); Painkiller.
- Tramadol 3 times each day); Painkiller.
- Intracanol 2 times each day); against fungal infections.

Incidentally later came more medicine, but you can read this later.

The night of Monday to Tuesday, March 7th was again very special. I remember that I woke up at 8 am and  my pillow was soaked. It looked like someone thrown a glass of water on my pillow. My eye had apparently been weep greatly.

With good spirits I started the medication that morning. It's hard to imagine what it's like to be busy every hour using these medicines. Especially in the beginning it took quite long to drop everything into the eye. So my good spirit became an very disappointing feeling.

Because of the many painkillers I used, the pain was quite unsustainable. Especially at night the pain came up. The combination with many tears made ​​me sleepless. During the day I constantly feel like there is sand in my eyes. Because of the many medications I had no time to catch my daytime fatigue. In addition, I was fairly "high" by using the drugs. Once I have a little sleep the alarm went off and I was an another half hour further to put the drops. This was actually the only real activity these days.

My day was broken up by trips to the toilet, bathroom and kitchen. I deliberately write "trips" because with closed eyes I stumbled through the house. Also, I was often delighted with the arrival of Maud. The sound of her presence gave me a nice feeling. Regularly, I cried with joy that someone was at home. Maud has not always known this and for that time it wasn't needed. It also was hard enough for her. I am very grateful that she has been mine companion and she literally dragged me through it.

  

You would expect that it will be better in the evening.  The house was then indeed a lot darker than daytime. Even this was not helping me. I scooped up my dinner with difficulty and in the dark. Then I sat down at a dark table. I cut he food into small pieces so I could eat it with eyes closed. During dinner the tears streamed down my face. Sprinkle additional salt was unnecessary. After this ritual I almost immediately chose to search my bed.

Friday, March 9, I Decided to take a picture of the eye again. As you can see the Atropine did its work. My eye started a bit of a cat-like. The pupil was huge and was not reduced. More about, it really seemed a little less red, so I was hopeful and did not want to admit that my situation could be far more serious. 

I feel I had allready undergo the worst of all (read Tuesday, March 6.).

The diagnosis was very shocking that day, but the realization did not dawned on me. Monday, March 12 I had to come back at the hospital again and then I would get further information.

Saturday and Sunday, March 11, I was pleasantly surprised by my faithful friend Luc. What a great grandfather has that boy. I will not mention his name, but his grandfather focuses on useful inventions. On his way he tries to make something practical with different material. This time, Luc stood on the sidewalk with a wonderful eye patch, made ​​of leather and a kind of elastic band. The leather made ​​sure that no ray of light could reach my eye. For the security and conformity, I wore a patch under the tip. Until that time this seemed an ideal tool. The next day the case was already less ideal. Through all those drops I always need remove the patch and that was not practical. Around my eye there was some irritated skin. So I chose lie down in a dark bedroom and the use of a towel was still enjoyable.

If you look closely at the picture, then the you may notice that my other eye is also not completely in normal state. Strangely, it gave me trouble to come view in the light with this eye. Later the nurse gave me a logical explanation: "Like your hands, arms and legs one eye is dominant. The other eye declared its solidarity with the other eye. Once you hold one eye closed the other one want that too. "With other words, I was constantly fighting with the reflex of my own body. You understand maybe this is difficult to sustain. Its easier to surrender and to choose for a dark bedroom.

Furthermore, a pretty boring and small world made ​​over me. Was I depressed ...? The answer I owe you. I do not know. Maybe the drugs and the pain took me in a kind of trance. I cried a lot, but lived with the feeling that everything would be okay. Militant is perhaps the right word.

I searched for moments to look forward. Monday, March 12 a colleague came along, my mother brought me a visit sometimes, my father gave me a gift, my other parents gave me an audio book, Bobbie (our dog) wandered around, Maud every day came back home, Luc played a game with me,  my grandma called a lot, my director was talking on the phone and I knew that my favorite trip was coming: MY WEEKLY VISIT TO THE HOSPITAL. Strange but true, I really looked forward to it. It was the only time to escape from the walls of my house.

Later it was increasingly difficult and I really balaned on the brink of a depression... 

The next time the parasite gets a name and I got my first contact with fellow sufferers. I also reveal a new picture of the eye and ... I try to let you "see" how my vision was added.